My Herbology
by up side and down
Summary: Just a brief soliloquy by Neville during the last days of the Deathly Hallows Book.


**A/N: I love Neville. That is all. **

* * *

I wanted to make my family proud. I used to think that if I was the best maybe my parents would remember _something_. My name, their names, the year, anything at all.

I know that was wishful thinking. My parents, the ones I should know and love, are gone. They're never coming back and all I will ever have of them are the empty mindless shells that I go to visit with Gram.

I also know that I will _never_ be the best. There was hardly any chance of that, but I kept hoping.

There was only one thing I was ever good at: Herbology. What good is Herbology? I can't save anybody with effin Herbology.

That first year was by far the hardest. I didn't think I could stand the jeers from Slytherin. Draco Malfoy and his pack prowling around to make my life more miserable than it already was. Professor Snape making sure that Potions was pure hell. The pitying looks from my fellow Gryffindors were almost too much to bear. I could feel Gram's shame from miles away. I was a disgrace to the family. I could barely remember what classes I was supposed to go to.

But there were things that made it bearable, that made it almost worth it. Harry standing up for me after that embarrassment in flying lessons. It ended out wonderfully for him and I can honestly say that I'm glad for that. Despite all the fame surrounding him...Harry is a very humble and good person. I'm honored to say he is my friend and not just because he's the Boy Who Lived. I'm honored to be friends with Harry for the same reason I'm honored to be friends with Hermione, Ron, hell any of the Weasley's, Luna, anyone in the Army really. I'm honored because they saw me, pitiful, worthless me, as someone they would put themselves as equals with.

And then Dumbledore taught me my greatest lesson after that first year. He awarded me ten house points for standing up to my friends and Gryffindor won the House Cup. I was thrilled, yet so so confused.

What on Earth about standing up to my friends was worth ten points and a House Cup? I used to think that he did it only for Gryffindor to win. Then again, that's not the Albus Dumbledore I remember. He did things quite deliberately as I recall, not just on nuances like House Cups.

That haunted me for years. Years. I saw it slowly. Malfoy's little cronies never did anything against his wishes. Hell, Malfoy could hardly stand up for himself if he was with his peers. It takes courage to go against the grain and do what you think is right. I wasn't aware I had any courage until I realized why I got those points. After that, things began to fall into place. Slowly, mind you. I was never a quick person. I simply took things one at a time.

Second year: Helping Professor Sprout with the Mandrakes. She even let me have the honor of giving doses to the petrified personally. I found a use in Herbology. Nothing made Filch even glance at me, until I stepped forward with a revived Mrs. Norris. I saved them in my own small way.

Third Year: Casting ridikilus on a boggart passing as Professor Snape. It was a realization that Snape was a man. A very biased and cruel man, but only a man.

Fifth Year: Disarming Harry Potter. Very little comes close to that.

Sixth Year: Losing Albus Dumbledore. I think that was the point where I realized where those ten points had come from. He was building up courage in all of us for the day when he would be gone.

And here we are. I think it's rather funny that you believe another punch or slap in the face will make me back down. I barely feel it. I've lived through years of abuse that you can barely scratch the surface of. Go ahead, hit me again.

The truth is, just because Dumbledore and Harry Potter have left the school doesn't mean they're gone from our hearts. I have more in common with both of them than you can even imagine. Harry once told me about a mirror he found that showed you your greatest desire. I think Dumbledore, Harry and I would all see the same thing: Ourselves reunited with our families. It's such a simple wish, but it has powered us through darker times than you can conjure up.

I can say Voldemort too. You flinch, but I don't care. He may be powerful, but he's only a man. He will die someday and people like me will begin to reverse his damage. It will be like none of you were ever in power. You barely have any as it is. You get power from torturing little eleven-year-olds. I get power from watching you squirm.

I have just as much courage as Albus Dumbledore and Harry Potter. It just comes out differently. I'm good at Herbology, they were good at Defense Against the Dark Arts. You're only good at following orders.

I have found my power while you have no idea what yours is. I almost pity you. So let's have another go. Make yourself feel strong.

My own strength has barely begun to flicker.


End file.
